We expect love to be the source of our greatest joys. But, in practice, it is one of the most reliable routes to misery. Few forms of suffering are ever as intense as those we experience in relationships. An estimated 42% of marriages in Britain end in divorce; 30% of people in couples describe themselves as “actively unhappy but unable to leave”.

The New Year can be gloomy – one in five divorces are filed in January. But we can at least try to understand our sorrows. This does not magically remove problems, but it sets them in context, reduces our sense of isolation and helps us to accept that certain problems are normal.

‘Tis the season for divorce – but perhaps we should think twice – Daisy Buchanan

The problems begin because, despite all the statistics, we are inveterate optimists about how love should go. No amount of information seems able to shake us from our faith in love. A thousand divorces pass our doors; none seem relevant to us. We continue to think of love as an enthusiasm, rather than a skill that might be learned.

One of our gravest errors around relationships is to imagine that they aren’t things we can get wiser or better at. We might do well this new year to develop an emotional skill one could term “romantic realism”, defined as an awareness of what can legitimately be expected of love and the reasons why we will, for large stretches of our lives, be very disappointed by it for no especially sinister reasons. In fact, as in all areas we can improve how good we are at loving another person. We are ready for a relationship when:

1. We accept perfection is unrealistic
We should accept from the outset that anyone we could be with will be very far from perfect. We should also grasp the specifics of their imperfections: how they will be irritating, difficult, sometimes irrational and often unable to sympathise or understand us. However, we are a flawed species. Whomever one got together with would be radically imperfect in a host of deeply serious ways. One must conclusively kill the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this galaxy. There can only ever be a “good enough” relationship.

For this realisation to sink in, it helps to have had a number of relationships, not in order to have the chance to locate “the right person”, but so that one can have ample opportunity to discover at first hand, in many different contexts, the truth that everyone (even the most initially exciting prospect) really is a bit wrong close up.

2. We learn to blame love, not our lover
When difficulties strike in relationships, we often fall prey to the idea that we are going out with a particularly cretinous human. The sadness must be someone’s fault: and, naturally enough, we conclude that the blame has to lie with the partner. We avoid the far truer, darker, yet gentler conclusion: that we are trying to do something very difficult at which almost no one succeeds completely. At an extreme, we exit the relationship far too early. Rather than adjust our ideas of what relationships in general are like, we shift our hopes to new people who – we ardently trust – won’t suffer any of the problems we experienced with the last partner. We blame our lover in order not to blame love itself, the truer but more elusive target.

3. We realise that love makes irrational demands of our partners
The romantic ideal states that we will be nicer to our partner than to anyone in the world. We selected them because we liked them so much and will therefore bring our kindest and most gentle sides forward in the relationship. We will be a lot nicer with them than, for example, with any of our friends. We like the latter: we love the former.

But the reality is intriguingly and soberingly different. We tend to become, if things go to plan, something akin to monsters in love. We’re likely to be significantly less kind to our partner than towards almost any other human on the planet. What explains our bad behaviour? Firstly, there is so much at stake. Our whole life is on the line. Friends are with us for the evening; our mutual challenges may go no further than the need to locate a half-decent restaurant. But the person we love becomes, if things go well, involved in some of the grandest and most complex matters we ever undertake: we ask them to be our lover, our best friend, our confidant, our nurse, our financial adviser, our chauffeur, our co-educator, our social partner and our sex mate. Together with them, we may set up a house, raise a child, run the family finances, nurse elderly parents, manage our careers, go on holiday and explore our sexuality. The job description is so long and so demanding, that no one in the standard employment market could conceivably deliver perfectly on even a fraction of the demands. Asking someone to be with us turns out to be an impossibly demanding and therefore pretty mean thing to suggest that anyone we would really want the best for.

Love also lends us the safety to show a partner who we really are – a privilege we would, in truth, be wiser and kinder never fully to share with anyone. We are – naturally – appallingly difficult to live with; it’s just that no one ever cared enough about us to tell us. Our friends couldn’t be bothered, our exes wanted to be rid of us without hassle, our parents were blind to our faults. That realisation should breed extreme modesty.

4. We are ready to love rather than be loved
We start out knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem – very wrongly – like the norm. To the child, it feels as if the parent is spontaneously on hand to comport, guide, entertain, feed and clear up, while remaining almost always warm and cheerful. Plenty of parents don’t reveal how often they have bitten their tongue, fought back the tears and been too tired to take off their clothes after a day of childcare. We should renounce the desire to be loved and instead strive to love.

5. We accept that relationships require administration
The romantic person instinctively sees relationships in terms of emotions, But what a couple get up to together over a lifetime has much more in common with the workings of a small business. They must draw up work rosters, clean, cook, fix, throw away, mind, hire, fire, reconcile and budget.

None of these activities have any glamour whatsoever within the current arrangement of society. Those obliged to do them are therefore highly likely to resent them and feel that something has gone wrong with their lives for having to involve themselves so closely with them. And yet these task are what is truly “romantic” in the sense of “conducive and sustaining love” and should be interpreted as a bedrock of a successful relationship.

6. We understand that sex and love do, and don’t, belong together
The general view expects that love and sex will be aligned, But in truth, they won’t stay so beyond a few months or, at best, one or two years. This is not anyone’s fault. Because relationships in the long term have other key concerns (companionship, administration, another generation), sex will likely suffer. We are ready to get into a long-term relationship when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.

7. We realise we’re not that compatible
The right person is expected to be someone who shares our tastes, interests and general attitudes to life. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically; differences inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. It is the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the right person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition.

We often complain, at tricky points in our relationships, that love have turned out to be too hard. Perhaps we are repeatedly arguing over small domestic details, perhaps it’s been a long while since there was some uninhibited fun and delight. The difficulties not only distress us in and of themselves, they can also feel illegitimate, contrary to the rules of love – and a sign that the relationship itself must be an error. This is a legacy of Romanticism, an ideology that lulls us into the unhelpful belief that love is not something to be worked at, because it is a feeling and not a skill. We need only surrender to our emotions, and our relationships will thrive. In fact, the contrary is true. We must study love the way we study anything else that matters. We should modestly accept the need to enrol at the school of love.

Alain de Botton’s The Course of Love is published by Penguin on 26 January 2017.

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At CCFL we understand that property, assets and most importantly, family, are all matters that must be protected. We therefore aim to help you achieve the best possible result and secure your future.

With our new website we aim to provide the latest sector news, service updates, answers to your questions and opportunities for contact.

Feel free to browse our wide array of services or, alternatively, give us a call on (02) 4322 2235 or visit 1-5 Baker St, Gosford. We would love to discuss your legal options and answer any questions you may have.

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Which couples are classified as de facto?

A lot of the grey area surrounding de facto couples is the uncertainty about what constitutes one. In Australia, de facto couples are typically those that have been together for at least two years, have a child together, have made a substantial contribution to the property or finances of one other or have had their relationship registered under State or Territory law. You may still be considered to be in a de facto relationship if one of you is legally married to someone else or you do not live together on a full time basis.

What are their property rights?

Gone are the days of what’s mine is mine and yours is yours with unmarried couples. If separated de facto couples are unable to reach an agreement about dividing their assets, they can make an application to the Family Court under the Family Law Act.

When deciding how your property will be divided, the Family Court will consider what each of you owned before the relationship, the net value of your current assets, the contributions made by each person over the course of the relationship and your future needs including the care of children, your earning capacities and access to financial resources.

What are their rights and responsibilities with children? 

Much of the uncertainty surrounding de facto children are the rights and responsibilities of same sex couples. Under family law legislation, most children born to or adopted by same sex couples are recognised as children of both parents. During separation legal proceedings, decisions about where the child will live and who they will spend time with are based on the best interests of the child.

Child support laws also apply to de facto couples. Since 2009, if your name appears on the child’s birth certificate, if there is a court finding or if you have signed a statutory agreement that you are a parent, you will be seen as a parent with child support liability.

If you would like to discuss the rights and responsibilities of de facto couples further, give us a call today on (02) 4322 2235.

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The law states that all children up to the age of 12 or 1.35cm in height must use a child seat to protect them in the case of an accident.

However, consumer experts have found that one in five parents don’t use the seats and 53 per cent of those who buy them are unaware of how to fit them into their vehicle.

Which? editor Richard Headland believes the findings are worrying as children are at a higher risk of injury.

“Our research shows there’s a lot of confusion around using and fitting child car seats, getting it wrong could lead to a fine and even endanger a child’s safety”, Mr Headland said.

“Any motor insurance claim could be rejected if a child were injured because they were in the wrong sort of seat.

“A driver could even face having to pay civil damages in the courts if they failed to carry someone else’s child safely”, Mr Headland said.

To find out more about Australian baby and child vehicle laws, visit http://www.babycenter.com.au/a1033422/car-seat-laws-in-australia.

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Use online resources

The structure of your will can be greatly assisted by studying sample wills online. Alternatively, do-it-yourself downloadable templates can be beneficial as long as you read the disclaimers and remember that one size does not fit all.

Keep it explicit

Instead of simply writing the heirs’ names, be exact by including details such as their date of birth, address and relationship with you. Likewise, do not simply include your street address- also include its legal description.

Tweak

Don’t treat your will like a one-off ordeal. Instead, regularly update and re-write it when occasions such as the birth of a child, a divorce or retirement occur. You should also revise it when you open up a new bank account, buy a new car or move house.

Carefully choose your key players

It is best to choose objective witnesses with the least to inherit. For example, the executor, who carries out the terms of your will, should be a much younger person who is likely to outlive you.

Insert stopgaps

Be sure to state where your assets will go if heirs and beneficiaries become unavailable or unwilling. For example, a beneficiary might predecease you or a charity might stop its operations.

If you need professional help with writing or updating your will, contact us today on (02) 4322 2235.

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